Turf War – Chapter 11

Everybody, please check the FAQ first before asking me questions.
If it’s not on there, please feel free and ask. I only get annoyed at questions when the same one has been asked 10+ times, and by then I’ll have updated the FAQ.

Thank you for your consideration, guys!


Join the Evil God Army on discord!
https://discord.gg/0uufyDAsTZXQaMz1


I intend to translate more these next few weeks. The brainwashing of the Clinton News Network caused me to focus my time on other things, but now that Trump has freed me I will dedicate myself to Making Novels Great Again.


Chapter 11 – “Urgent meeting! We need to get this store going again!”

An emergency meeting was being held!

Because of my decision as the generalissimo, the entire Evil God Army was in chaos. I’m not sure what exactly Pervert(Nielsen) said to the others but the officers of the Evil God Army all rushed into the meeting room.

Did everyone want to play with me that badly?

Technically I’m the leader of this whole group, but since coming to the Capital I haven’t joined a meeting even once. I guess it can’t be helped that they’re so excited. Ah, the training from the other day was a different matter of course.

Still, sorry to all these guys, but right now isn’t the time for games. We can’t always be shouting “Dispatch the troops!” and “Leave nobody alive!” can we. The store’s existence depends on this. I hope they’ll take this seriously.

Just the lunch coupons aren’t enough. I need other ideas besides――so fast!?

In just the short while that I was thinking to myself, the entirety of the EGA’s leadership lined up in front of me. It hadn’t even been five minutes yet. Why is it that you guys are only this enthusiastic when it comes to games. Well, sorry to disappoint you though.

At any rate, they were all standing there. Waiting for my orders, presumably. And they were all looking expectantly at me too. I’ll bet they were imagining it was time for me to shout “Spread our banner across the lands!” or something.

Originally Timu and the others would invite me to the war councils. I was so busy with the store though, that I never had time for that. That’s why I told them that I would entrust them with everything instead. Right now Timu was looking at me with this face like, ‘finally, Oneesama wants to play’.

I’m sorry, Timu. Right now your Oneechan is in a huge pinch. If she screws this up it’s bankruptcy. We’ll invade the Manamana country some other time, okay?

“Everyone, please sit.”

“”Milady,”” they acknowledged together.

It feels a bit like a real army.

“Ahem. I’ve called you all here today to discuss the matter of the store on the surface.”

“Might you be referring to the restaurant that you run, Tilea-sama?”

“That’s right. So you see, right now I’m kind of in a bit of a pickle. The place is about to shut down, so I’d like some ideas on how to get out of this mess.”

Everyone’s eyes were wide. It must have felt really out of the blue for them.

“Tilea-sama, with all due respect, I was led to believe that Ortissio was regularly supplying you money, but…”

“That’s true, but it brings me shame to say that I’m not making a profit.”

Hearing it come out of my own mouth made me hang my head. He gave me that much money and I’m still in the red.

“Ortissio! Tilea-sama is obviously upset and yet you withhold money!?”

“I-I dare not. I have already told Tilea-sama that it would be no problem to increase the amount of money.”

“I care not for your excuses, Ortissio. You have wasted Oneesama’s time. I trust you are prepared for the consequences.”

“Hii…! B-But Tilea-sama was…”

Whoa whoa. How does it make any sense to blame Ortissio for this? I’m the one responsible.

“C’mon guys, enough of that. Or isn’t in the wrong here. This isn’t a problem about how much money he gives me. It’s true that his money is what’s been keeping it afloat so far, but what I really want to know is why we’re not turning a profit.”

“I understand now, Tilea-sama. In other words, this is a matter of pride.”

Dryas-kun is a smart cookie as always. That’s exactly right. I can’t just keep taking advantage of Or’s money here. And to begin with, it’s really weird that my food isn’t making money.

“Sharp as always, Dryas-kun. You understand my feelings.”

“I am honoured.”

“That’s right. To be frank, I have complete faith in my abilities as a cook. It’s impossible for me to be getting so few customers.”

“It is incomprehensible, Oneesama. How could anybody not understand the value of the best food in history.”

“Yupyup, I’m definitely better than our competitors.”

Even I have enough sense to scout out our rivals. I went to the more bustling restaurants in the Capital to try their food, and I was one or two levels higher than everyone out there. I can’t say they were bad. It’s just that they were B-rank cooks at best.

“Mere cooking though it may be, it is unacceptable for anybody to defeat Tilea-sama,” Pervert(Niel) exclaimed indignantly. It seems like agreement at first but…

Hey, Pervert(Niel). What did you say just now? MERE COOKING!?

You’re supposed to be an employee at our restaurant! What the fuck are you saying!?

Pervert(Niel) is my subordinate, okay? Not just in some make-believe army, but in an honest to god work environment Pervert(Niel) is my subordinate. But despite that, despite being in the culinary industry, he goes and spouts outrageous crap like that. Is that how an employee is supposed to act.

“Niel!”

“Milady.”

“Minus ten points!”

“HEBSH-!”

I pegged a pencil-thing hard at him, like a teacher throwing chalk at her bad student.

Pervert(Nielsen) staggered a bit before collapsing. Guess it was a critical hit. He was just laying there.

Hm, did I take things a bit far? Ah, that’s no good. No matter how badly the management of the store is going, it’s never an excuse to throw things at people.

“Sorry, Niel. Are you okay?”

“Uguhg. Hahh, hahh, I-, I am f-fine…”

He put up a strong front but his legs were still trembling. Ah geez, I shouldn’t have used violence on somebody so fragile. Let’s wait for him to recover.

A few minutes later…

Pervert(Nielsen) was finally able to sit back in his chair.

“You okay now, Niel?”

“There is no issue, Milady. So what mistake did I make?”

What mistake!? You don’t even understand!? Hahh~ This guy really lacks self-awareness about his job at Berum Restaurant.

“Niel. You’re my subordinate. DUU YUU ANDASTAN?”

“Certainly. I am your faithful servant, Tilea-sama.”

“Then be a bit more aware of that fact. You’re working at my restaurant, and yet you’d say something like ‘mere food’. If our employees aren’t taking their jobs seriously, do you really think we can turn this store around!”

“M-, My deepest apologies. My words certainly were counter to your desires.”

“Huu~ Think about this carefully next time, okay?”

“As you wish.”

I sighed.

Does anybody else have any ideas?

I looked around.

Mn? Edim looked like she was fidgeting for some reason.

Before long…

“U-, Umm, Tilea-sama.”

“My, Edim. Do you have anything to say?”

“Yes. What if I turned all the humans into my kin and ordered them to come to the restaurant?”

Edim, please don’t say such scary things so casually. I hope this is a joke, but when it comes to Edim it’s a terrifyingly real possibility.
And she’s hurt my pride by saying something like that.

“Edim, are you looking down on me?”

“Never, I would never do such a thing.”

“You know, by suggesting a plan to force people to come you’re basically saying that my cooking isn’t enough to do it! Do you get that?

“Honestly, even you’re saying stupid things like Niel. Next time I’ll hit you with a kukanomi, okay?”

“Y-Yes…”

After that, Timu and the others continued suggesting violent and outrageous plans. One guy even suggested massacring the ‘foolish townsfolk who fail to understand the greatness of (my) cooking!’

Huu, I swear these guys have a one-track mind…

Is it actually impossible to talk seriously with a chuunibyou? I can’t believe I’m wondering this just now.

“Hey, does anybody have any serious ideas?”

“Tilea-sama, may I?” asked the previously silent Dryas as he raised a hand.

The star of the show is finally here.

“Sure, sure. Tell me what you’ve got.”

“Milady. In my humble opinion, your cooking is perfection itself. The deficit the restaurant is experiencing has another cause. The position of the store, the lack of advertising, and finally the pricing of the menu appear to be the problems.”

As expected of Dryas-kun, finally a serious answer. A chuunibyou though you may be, you’ve really shown how different you are to the others.

“Mn, mn, continue.”

“Yes, Milady. This restaurant is located at the very end of Western Street, in a place beyond notice. Furthermore, due to the lack of advertisement, I presume that many have not even heard of its existence.”

“I see. I guess this is pretty out of the way.”

“Finally, our position means that few pedestrians on Western Street would come as far as here. They tend to congregate towards the centre.”

Could it mean that he wants us to move the store? But that’s impossible. There’s the issue of money for one thing, but Or and Edim are still wanted suspects. We need the underground housing because they need to lay low until the heat dies down.”

“But moving is impossible, Dryas-kun.”

“Indeed. This is the best position to avoid revealing our headquarters. Moving the store would be undesirable.”

“I thought so too. Then I guess we just have to try harder with advertising? Also, you said there was an issue with the pricing?”

“Yes. To put it simply, the prices are entirely too cheap. Far from making a profit, we struggle to even break even.”

“I thought the ingredients would have been cheaper, but they were so expensive that I didn’t think any customers would come. That’s why I thought I’d focus on making a lot of small profits instead, but…”

“Tilea-sama, what if we change the target demographic to the wealthy? At this pricing, even a thousand customers a day would not bring a profit.”

“I-IT’S THAT BAD!? Mmmn, but wringing the rich for their money is a bit… I’d prefer it if more people could taste my cooking.”

“I understand. Everything is for the sake of your desires. In that case, we will adjust the prices more conservatively and order Edim’s kin to promote the store.”

“I see! GUDDO AIDEA!”

I knew I was right to believe in him. Next time I should just talk alone with him. That way I won’t waste so much time.

“Beyond that, we can shave down the cost of the ingredients a little, and order the troops to gather ingredients.”

“Yeah, I guess there are the middleman fees if we keep buying from the market, huh.”

If we were on the internet I’d be spamming the Like button right now.

“In that case the ingredients shall be gathered by sending the Second Division on expeditions.”

“W-Wait a moment. My Second Division has been working non-stop at suppressing the neighbouring settlements. It would be impossible to take on the job of ingredient gathering as well,” Or interjected.

He tried to convey just how busy he was but Dryas-kun was having none of it.

“Enough whining! Ortissio, this is not a request. As Chief of General Staff I am ordering you to do so.”

“H-, However…”

“Ortissio, I thought you were supposed to be demonstrating your loyalty!” roared Pervert(Nielsen).

“Ortissio, know that if you continue your excuses I will personally tear your mouth off,” added Timu.

You guys are a bit too harsh…

“Y-Yes, h-hic, I un-understand…  Then I sh-shall… hic, accept this… mission.”

Or was really starting to cry now. Aah, not this again. I’ve told them so many times to stop picking on Or already…

“That’s enough, everyone.”

“H-However, damned Ortissio is being too――”

“Enough!”

Everyone went silent, and Or looked up at me with his tear-stained face.

“H-, Hic, T-Tilea-sama…”

“Or, I know that you take the occasional trip out of the capital. When you’re out there, if you happen to come across any good ingredients then I’d like it if you brought them back with you.”

“Hic, i-ingredients…?”

“Mn, if you say it’s impossible, then I won’t force you. We’re done discussing it, and I won’t let anybody say otherwise.”

“Tilea-sama… Just how far does your compassion and greatness go…”

“Huhu, your flattery is really over-the-top.”

“Not at all. I am not praising you enough.”

With that, Or was back to normal. I guess he’s done crying.

“So Or, think you can do it?”

“Yes, Milady! I, lowly Ortissio, profoundly apologise for complaining over merely accepting two tasks. Please leave it to me. I shall accomplish this without fail.”

“Okay. I’ll look forward to it then. Ah, but enough about the subjugation of the villages or whatever. You don’t need to feel pressured over something like that.”

“Please be at ease. I will prioritise the gathering of ingredients. The likes of those settlements will not take up our time. If it takes too long then we can simply exterminate them all.”

“I-, I see… Don’t go too crazy with your games, okay?”

“Huhu, games indeed. I understand. I will calmly deal with it all.”


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50 thoughts on “Turf War – Chapter 11”

  1. “Huhu, games indeed. I understand. I will calmly deal with it all.”

    ————————-

    Evil god Army:
    Indeed, dealing with a couple settlement is a mere game, why would it took us so much time when we have a divine order to fulfill?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for the chapter!

    I was expecting something related to that gourmet chef girl (forgot her name) like a contest or something, or her coming and praising the restaurant and thus giving it the much needed publicity…

    Maybe later?

    Either way, looking forward to it.

    Like

  3. Tilea is back! Her misunderstanding antics never fail to amuse me. I really like the support Dryes gives her though. Having “competent” chuuni to contrast with tree failures makes things that much funnier, and more tragic hahaha. Poor Ort, he’s doing his best!

    Thanks for the release Est!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Tillea is an ardent follower of the the God Emperor Trump who is secretly a troll that has deceived all of us readers into thinking that she’s an idiot and before we know it was her plan all along to destroy the world while distracting us from it through comedy.

    Like

  5. It’s BACK! PRAISE THE HOLY SHEEPRABBIT, PRIEST OF ANRI AND TILEA!

    It’s hard being the one relatively straight man in a team full of quacks…. Rip Or, gg Dryas.

    Also, sorry I haven’t been on discord lately, been busy :P

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you so much for updating Tilea! xD It always makes me laugh. Every chapter is so precious, I keep pausing from reading just so it won’t end! Q_Q

    Like

  7. ∧_ ∧
        (`・ω・)  Thanks!
       ,ノ^  yヽ、  Nepu!!
       ヽ,, ノ==l.ノ    Pudding!!!
        /  l |
    “””””~”””””‘””””””‘”””””~”””””‘””””””‘”””

    Like

      1. Aw, that’s a shame. Too distracted by issues that don’t involve Tilea I guess? Maybe if and when she ever gets a hint toward the existence of the “evil god”. Looking at the raws though, it seems like we’ll get more Jessica chapters. That’ll be fun. How’s she doing with Timu? Or is that covered in Volume 4, since that’s simultaneous?

        Like

        1. Yup, something like that. Incidentally, good news is that I have a casual job now. Bad news is that it means I have to wake up at 4AM, and so most of my translating will have to be done during the weekend. Another piece of good news though is that I’ve grown bored of some of the other distractions I had.

          Also you should read this if you haven’t already. It’s hilarious.

          https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/how-i-learned-to-stop-hating-and-love-the-bomb-that-is-nero-worm-au-historical-insert.342737/

          Like

          1. Congrats on the job! I think. 4AM is rough. The only major distraction I’ve picked up recently besides a few games has been Cool and New Web Comic, which is a very cool story that is also new. Probably won’t make sense unless you’ve read Homestuck though. I swear to the evil god, it’s better than it looks.

            That first chapter is hilarious, but this is, what, a “Worm” fanfic? I haven’t read Worm. I take that it has your recommendation?

            Like

              1. How would you sell me on it? Just from the start it seems to be some superhero high school thing? That’s not too uncommon. What’s the hook?

                Like

                1. The setting is surprisingly interesting, but the author reveals just enough each time to keep things a mystery until it becomes directly relevant to the story. So yeah, don’t look at the wiki or anything because spoilers really ruin the writing style. I guess you could call it a lot of Chekhov’s gun. It doesn’t feel artificial though, because these things are sort of mentioned to the audience like we live in their world and we already know this common sense. That’s the setting and writing side of things.

                  For the content, the protagonist doesn’t really have a particularly offensively powerful powerset, at least compared to other parahumans. In the end she plays field control and tactician, which makes for a lot of interesting fights if you’re into that. I was. It makes Chinese web novel fights rather unbearable. I usually just skip to the reaction scenes for xianxia.

                  As for the cast, they’re pretty much all shades of grey in morality, and the protagonist is no exception. On top of that she more or less grows into a certified badass. One of the fan community memes is a take on Chuck Norris facts. The difference is that they’re true.

                  Like

                2. I guess if you leave out the merits of the writing style itself, it’s just a grim take on the superhero genre.

                  Outside of that though, a lot, and I mean *a lot* of the fanfiction is really worth reading, and they range all kinds of tones and genres. I’d be willing to bet 9:1 odds that you’d find something you really enjoy from them.

                  Like

                  1. Well, the Nero one already looks pretty good, so you’re probably right there. I’ll definitely give it a shot! Tactician story sounds perfect, don’t have anything like that now I believe. Closest would maybe be Gwenpool I guess. Don’t know if you read any western comic books, but I really recommend her series. Real girl brought into the Marvel Universe and is trying (and succeeding) on being a superhero simply by being genre savvy and exploiting plot armor.

                    Like

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